SirianaSims

Ask Yourself

After Marten left, I walked around GeekCon by myself for a while before finally managing to find the room for the cosplay competition. I was just in time. One by one, the other participants walked to the middle of the stage, struck their pose, and walked off.

Suddenly, it was my turn. As I stood in front of the cameras, I spotted Paul Romeo in the audience, right in front of me. He’d changed out of the Llama Man costume and was wearing a shirt and jacket.

He sent me a dazzling smile that made me feel flustered. I tried to avoid eye contact as I did Black Shadow’s signature pose.

The crowd cheered and I walked off the stage to leave room for the next girl, a great Captain Sigma cosplay. My knees felt slightly shaky, but I couldn’t quite tell if it was because of the stage or Paul Romeo.

After the competition, I found the restrooms and washed my face. My makeup had been smeared by sweat and the heat from the spotlights on stage.

I wished I’d been as prepared as Paul and brought a change of clothes, maybe even some makeup wipes. Definitely a lesson for next year.

Leaving the bathroom, I almost walked directly into him.

“We can’t keep meeting like this, Black Shadow.”

“Evidently, we can.”

“Congratulations on second place. You deserved to win, though.”

“No, that girl who did Captain Sigma was spot on. You’re just biased because you’re Llama Man.”

“I’ll have you know that I did actually have a tiny role in Captain Sigma: Olympus Landing as well.”

“Really? I don’t remember seeing you in that.”

“You wouldn’t have, I was the talking sword. So, care to join me on a quest for some food?”

We had dinner at the food stall behind the gallery, talking about everything and nothing. Paul asked about my costumes and I showed him some of my cosplays and even a few original designs on my phone. He could name every single character I’d done, and I was thrilled to discover that he was just as much of a geek as I was. I don’t know why I had expected otherwise, considering the kind of roles he played.

He’d loved comics and superheroes since he was a child, so when the casting call for a live-action Llama Man series went out he had jumped at the chance even though he knew the risk. And he’d been right. By the time the series ended, he was too established as Llama Man and casting directors were passing him over for more serious roles.

He didn’t seem to mind that much though, said that being a lead actor was hard work and he much preferred smaller roles where he could have some more input. These days, he mostly worked on Llama Man: The Animated Series and a few other voice acting gigs.

After the gallery closed, we found ourselves on a bench outside. The night was warm. I didn’t feel like going back to my apartment, and Paul didn’t seem to be in any hurry either.

“Finally, the director told me that if I didn’t get it together, he was going to replace me with an actual llama next season. So obviously I had to bring a llama for the launch party. He did not appreciate the gesture. Turns out very few llamas are house-trained.”

Our laughter echoed slightly in the empty plaza.

“You know, you remind me a little of my grandfather.”

“Ouch. You wound me. I’m not even forty, you know.”

“No, I mean, he was an actor as well. Conrad Richards. He loved pranks like that too.”

“Conrad Richards was your grandfather?”

“Well, he married my grandmother, but he was always grandpa Conrad to me.”

“That’s amazing. I was a big fan of his, actually. I liked how he always seemed to have fun with it, not like those actors who take themselves too seriously.”

“Yeah, he never took anything seriously. In every memory I have of him, he’s laughing.” My voice wavered slightly. “Sorry, I still miss him a lot.”

“Understandable.”

Paul took my hand.

“I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but the truth is, it doesn’t. You just get better at carrying the pain.”

He looked away, seemingly lost in thought.

“When my father died, my mother told me that grief is just love that no longer has a home. It has nowhere to go. So, what you need to do is give it a new home. Surround yourself with friends and family. Love the ones you have left even harder. It doesn’t make the grief go away, but they will help you carry it.”

He cleared his throat and gave my hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. I immediately missed the warmth.

“Thank you, Paul. I mean it.”

“You’re welcome. Julia.”

We sat in silence for a moment. Then, he looked at his watch and smiled at me, back to his cheerful self.

“Sadly, as much as I’d love to, we can’t sit here and chat all night. I have to catch a flight back to the Valley in the morning. So unless you feel like walking me to my hotel to make sure I don’t get lost, we should probably part ways.”

“Sure. Where’s your hotel, then?”

He hesitated, his eyes searching my face.

“ZenView Heights. But -“

I leapt to my feet. “It’s this way.”

Paul grabbed my wrist and looked at me with a serious expression.

“Julia, it was a joke. And that’s way too far to walk. Are you really sure about coming back to my hotel?”

I tried to listen for that little voice in my head, the one that was supposed to warn me when I was about to do something stupid, but there was only silence. And Paul.

I nodded, slightly surprised at myself. Paul sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t even know what I’m doing any more,” he muttered as we walked to the street to find a taxi.

---

By the time we entered Paul’s hotel room, the atmosphere had shifted. The lively energy from GeekCon and our animated conversation outside seemed worlds away, replaced by a nervous tension.

Paul took my coat and gestured at the sofa. I had a look around the room while he closed the blinds. Zenview Heights Hotel was old but well kept, and while the furniture was somewhat dated, it was neat and clean.

Paul’s suitcase and a few items of clothing had been placed in the wardrobe, but it was clear that this was a short stay. Most of his things hadn’t even been unpacked.

Over the bed, a picture best described as an art was clinging to the wall like it knew exactly how badly it was failing its sole purpose of being decorative.

Paul followed my gaze.

“If I’d known I would get company, I’d have chosen a fancier hotel.”

“It’s fine. I’m not here for the decor.”

He ran a hand through his hair, a gesture I was already beginning to recognise as one he made when he was nervous.

“I’m gonna be completely honest, Julia, I have no idea why I let you come back here with me. I wasn’t expecting my day to end like this.”

I laughed. “What? You didn’t expect to – let me see – meet a random cosplayer, chase her through GeekCon, have dinner with her, talk to her all evening, and then bring her back to your hotel room?”

He chuckled, the sound warm and genuine. “Exactly. Despite all the hypothetical scenarios I imagine on a daily basis, I never saw that particular chain of events coming. But I’m still glad our paths crossed.”

He threw his jacket over a chair and sat down, and I felt the unmistakable pull of attraction between us. It was almost too much. I tried to lighten the mood.

“Tell me, are you always this intense, or am I just special?”

He smirked, playing along.

“Well, you do make a compelling argument for special. I can’t recall the last time I felt so drawn to someone.”

The compliment made my heart flutter, but I also sensed his hesitation.

“But?”

He sighed.

“Look, Julia, you’re incredibly attractive, smart, and funny. But I was actually serious about not dating women half my age… the last thing I want is for you to feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

“Paul, I’m an adult. I make my own choices. I very much chose to be here, in fact I basically followed you home like a stray cat. I appreciate the chivalry, but you can safely drop it.”

His lips quirked up. “I can’t. I’m a superhero, remember?”

“Well, I’m here now. What are you going to do about it?”

The moment felt electric. Then Paul reached for me and I quickly climbed onto his lap, straddling his thighs, saw the brief flash of hesitation in his eyes.

Our lips met, and for a moment, everything stilled. It was a soft touch at first, a gentle exploration. But as the initial shock wore off, the kiss deepened, grew more urgent. I could taste the sweetness of his breath, feel the slight stubble on his jaw against my chin.

His fingers dug into my waist, pulling me impossibly closer. The world spun around us, but I was anchored to that moment, to that kiss.

When our lips finally parted, there was nothing hesitant left about Paul.

He stood up with me still in his arms, like I weighed nothing.

“If we’re doing this, we’re doing it properly.”

In three steps we were on the bed, stripping off most of each other’s clothes like our lives depended on it. But then, to my surprise, Paul slowed down.

I wasn’t exactly innocent. I may not have had any serious relationships since high school, but I’d still had my fair share of dates and one-night-stands.

None of them, nothing that I’d experienced before, could compare to Paul.

His mouth and hands taught me things about myself that I had never known, and I lost track of where my body ended and his body began. Not that it mattered.

This was not the quick, ill-advised fling I had expected when I decided to go with him. This was different. Paul took his time, asked questions, and treated me like I was precious, important. Like I was someone.

He made me feel like I was worth loving, worth making love to, a phrase I’d never really understood before. But now it suddenly made sense, and I was surprised by the emotions he awakened in me, the deep connection between us.

That night, my world crashed into his, as different as they were.

It was the last moment before everything, back when I thought I might fall in love, but hadn’t yet felt the full force of it.

---

When I woke up the next morning, Paul was dressed, his suitcases packed except for the much too large t-shirt he’d lent me to sleep in.

“Good morning. I didn’t want to wake you until last minute. Actually, I didn’t want to wake you at all. I wanted to stay in bed with you all day. But I have to fly back to the Valley and record. You can keep the shirt.”

I nodded, suddenly feeling immensely sad. I didn’t want him to leave.

“So… will I see you again?”

I tried to make my tone light, as if my entire world didn’t hinge on his reply.

He leaned down, looking at me earnestly.

“Do you really want to?”

“Desperately.”

The word escaped my mouth before I could stop it.

Paul’s face lit up.

“In that case, I guess I’ll have to come and get that shirt back as soon as possible.”

---

Five days later I found myself back in Paul’s arms. I’d been looking forward to seeing him again, but also slightly worried that it wouldn’t be quite the same, that the connection we shared for one night couldn’t bear closer scrutiny.

But there had been no need to worry. He walked out of the airport and put his arms around me, kissing me passionately before quickly pulling me into a taxi so we wouldn’t be seen by too many people.

It didn’t take long before Paul would fly in from Del Sol Valley every weekend, spending as much time as possible with me before flying back for work.

During the week, our days and nights were filled with messages and phone calls, both of us hating every second apart, always waiting impatiently for the next weekend so we could see each other again.

Paul was great at finding secluded spots where he could be anonymous, away from prying eyes. We would go to botanical gardens at night, long walks just talking and holding hands.

Sometimes we’d rent a car and go on long midnight drives with no destination in mind, just getting out of the city and enjoying the mild summer and each other’s company.

He insisted on trying to teach me a Tartosan dance that his father taught him when he was younger, his eyes sparkling as I did my best to follow the complicated footwork.

As the weather got colder, we could spend entire days in small book cafés and read each other passages from our favourite books, and I’d make him do different voices for every character. It didn’t really matter what we did, as long as I was with him.

---

It was Saturday night. We had ordered room service, watched an old cult classic in bed. Paul hadn’t felt like going out. A reporter had cornered him in the airport yesterday and questioned him about his frequent visits to San Myshuno, asked if he was seeing someone. He’d denied it.

Despite the fame, Paul was an intensely private person, always guarding his personal space against a world that kept demanding more. I respected that, even though I was more used to the opposite. My personal life was part of my brand, but I’d followed his lead and kept our relationship secret.

Paul’s arms were wrapped around me, his chest firm and reassuring against my back. The rhythmic cadence of his breathing was like a soft lullaby, but I was nowhere close to falling asleep.

“Julia? Is something wrong? Are you still thinking about the reporter?”

“It’s just… all this secrecy.”

“You don’t think I denied seeing anyone because I’m ashamed of you, do you?”

I took a deep breath.

“Seventeen years, Paul. It’s not just the number, it’s the experience. I’m proud of what I do, I really am, but compared to you, drawing and sewing in front of a tiny camera by myself seems… trivial. You have this glamorous life, you know all these famous people, you’ve traveled the world. I haven’t done anything. Sometimes I’m afraid that I might not be, well, sophisticated or interesting enough for you. That I might never be someone you’d want to show off in public.”

“Listen to me, Julia. You are more than enough for anyone. Definitely for me. But if people find out about us, I’m not worried about myself. An older actor dating a younger woman? That’s not a scandal, that’s a cliché. But you… I really don’t want you facing the kind of judgment this would get you.”

“Wait, you’re saying you’re concerned about my reputation?”

“In a way. I don’t care what people say about me any more. I’ve been in this industry long enough to develop a thick skin. But you deserve so much better. And while it isn’t fair, the world is much more likely to judge you, and that’s the last thing I want.”

I cupped his face in my hands.

“Paul, I don’t care. What could they possibly say?”

He looked away, a hint of bitterness in his voice.

“Oh, you have no idea. They’ll say that you callously seduced me to further your own career or that you’re too dumb to be anything more than arm candy. Probably somehow both. They’ll accuse you of being a gold-digger. Men will hate you because they can’t have you, women will hate you because they can’t be you. People will be cruel and unforgiving and pick apart everything you are. They will criticise your work, your looks, the way you walk and talk. And it never ends. The peak of my fame was almost a decade ago, but they’re still following me into airports and asking about my love life.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Paul looked at me earnestly.

“Julia, I believe in you. Your work is great, especially your own designs, and I’ve seen a lot of costumes. I want you to be famous for being incredibly talented, not just for being Paul Romeo’s girlfriend.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“Oh, so I am your girlfriend, then?”

He laughed.

“That’s your takeaway from this conversation? Of course you are, what do you think we’ve been doing for the last few months?”

“Well, what do I know, I’m just the dumb arm candy of Paul Romeo. I should probably be pestering you to buy me a sports car made of diamonds or a platinum ladder so I can social-climb in style.”

Paul chuckled.

“That sounds impractical. And you’re definitely not dumb, but you’re pretty terrible at being a gold-digger. All joking aside, I don’t like keeping you a secret either, but I know the dark side of fame, how toxic it can be. It can really poison a relationship. I’ve seen it happen to friends and colleagues over and over again, and I just want to protect you from that. Protect us.”

I pulled him down into a kiss.

I respected Paul for his noble intentions, for looking out for me. Still, a part of me, that stubborn – and probably naive – part, wanted to stand tall and shout it from the rooftops, consequences be damned. But I also knew that he was right. Those consequences would hurt me way more than they would hurt him.

---

The sun was barely up yet, the moon still visible in the sky when we left the hotel. Paul looked around by habit, scanning the area for photographers or waiting fans, but the plaza was deserted in the early morning.

I briefly rested my chin on his broad shoulder, stealing just a few more seconds close to him.

“I wish you didn’t have to go.”

Paul wrapped his arms around me.

“Me too. But I don’t think I can talk my director into having Llama Man become a mime, so I better record these lines. I’ll be back soon.”

He gently lifted my chin.

“Julia, meeting you was like hearing a new song and instantly knowing it would be my favourite. I don’t know how else to explain it. And it’s probably way too soon, I don’t expect you to say anything back, but I’ve known for a while now… I love you.”

Time seemed to stand still. Then, I threw caution to the wind and kissed him.

The world around us faded. It was as if nothing else existed, just the two of us in our own universe.

But we were not alone.